Saturday, May 26, 2018

3am: The Stuff on My Mind


wow. so the last time i posted was march tenth. wow. i had no clue then how much my life would change.
so. this is what happened...
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how do i put this?
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well..... i got fired from my job at the salon. i messed up. but after beth passed away, it got to the point where i hated going to work. i didn't want to be salon-jessica anymore. i didn't want to be friendly, polite, bubbly or even talk for that matter. it was suffocating. and a lot of people [coworker/clients] were asking me how barry and i were doing after she was gone. it's very hard for me to hold back tears when talking about it. i get it. people are being sympathetic. but it was hard for me. i don't want to cry at work. i wanted my job to take my mind off of what happened. and it wasn't doing that. if anything, i thought about it more.

i didn't want to leave. no one wants to be fired. especially by their sister. 4 days after their 30th birthday. a month and half after losing their "other" sister. BUT that happened to me. and i knew since i did in fact get fired for missing too much work/showing up late...i wouldn't be finding a new job anytime soon. who'd want to hire me? "her sister didn't even want her," is what i imagine them thinking. and how in the world would i explain the 1 year, 7 month and 6 day employment gap on my resume.

thankfully, i knew of one thing i could always fall back. and i already knew i could get the job. and since i was riding the struggle-bus to get to the salon everyday because:
1. i didn't want to be around other people all the time.
2. i didn't want to be talkative.
3. putting on makeup and fixing my hair weren't top priorities anymore.
4. all my cute clothes no longer fit since i was basically just sitting on my [fat] butt all day.
all working factors, in my opinion. i liked working there, no doubt. i enjoyed forming friendships with the people i worked with, plus the customers. however, [unfortunately] only one of those "coworker-friends" i made reached out to me after i was gone. and even still keeps in touch. just one. but i guess, that's enough for me.

i couldn't keep up. so, naturally, i went back to the things i know. and what i'm good at: getting rent houses ready to be rented out. basically a cleaning lady. a maid. these are the gifts He gave me. or i guess i get it from my momma. wherever it comes from, it still brings me satisfaction because:
1. i'm cleaning these places alone [except for maintenance men] with music blaring from my phone.
2. i ain't gotta do a lot of talking. [except to the guys] it's peaceful.
3. i don't wear makeup. [i'll sweat it off] and my hair goes into a top knot.
4. yoga pants and leggings. right! i brought several capri leggings from walmart to wear for my "new job" and they've changed my life. i totally get it now.
5. THE PAY IS AMAZING! i made more [like, way more] in six hours cleaning than i would working eight hours at the salon. i'm all for making more money.
6. cleaning is a GREAT work out. i have no doubt i'll be losing weight in no time.
i don't know what it is, but i just LOVE manual labor. something about working with my hands and breaking a sweat just makes me feel like i have accomplished something big. because i have. especially when i come home from cleaning and i'm super sore. that's a good feeling. and a satisfying feeling.

my talents were going to waste while i sat there in that old crappy [terrible for your back] office chair, bored out of my mind. i go where i'm needed. and i wasn't needed or wanted there anymore. and the thing is...i don't even miss it. yes, it's embarrassing getting fired. but after i told my friends about it; we all had a good laugh and i don't feel so stupid anymore. well, almost. and now i'm doing something that actually fits me for this new chapter in my life: MY THIRTIES!

i am so thankful to my dad and papaw for welcoming me back to my "old job" with wide open arms. my papaw seems especially happy that i am back. and that's a good feeling.
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so after a few weeks went by of not working at the salon anymore. and the shame of getting fired by my sister and crawling back to my daddy for help started depleting, i realized that getting fired was the best thing that could've happened to me. i know what some of you are thinking...seriously, jessica? that's the best thing? really? but it was! it made me realize some things that i desperately needed to realize. in more ways then one. one of those things though i can't talk about on here. it's just too personal. but it gave me closure on something i've been battling with for probably 24 years.

but another thing was...i MISSED working at jenkins enterprises. i missed my real work-family. i missed being involved in the one thing i truly felt i was GOOD at. i have other talents, yes, but, working in my family's business has always been my most cherished one. and not working just at a desk. honestly, i feel just working at a desk, is a waste of my talents. i WANT to be hands-on-involved. i WANT to dip my toes into other things there that i haven't gotten to experience yet. THIS IS MY LEGACY. this is how I CAN MAKE MY MARK ON THE WORLD. even if it's a small memory of me that works it's way into the story of our company, that's all i want. recognition. when it's my time...i want to be able to leave a piece of me behind. and this is the only way i can do that.

i'm going slow for now though. i don't want to jump in too quickly and get talked into doing my old jobs again. i was already the best at those jobs. it's time for me to be the best at a different one. but seriously, i feel as if something is pulling me back in. baby steps for now. i have a feeling i'll know when i'll be needed. but i'm being cautious. there's still snakes in the lions' den who feel threatened by me and what i could potentially, possibly take from them. not my intention, but you'd be surprised by the people who i know feel this way. people don't think i can do what my mamaw did or what my mom has done. [the only women whom had/have say in important decisions] as the only girl in my family who wants to work for the family business, it's harder for me. who wants to listen to some silly girl who doesn't even have a college degree? so i have to be cunning with my approach. this time around, i have to MAKE my voice be heard!


so...one little story for y'all and then i'll have to catch ya later. hopefully another day this weekend; while i have access to the internet.
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this story starts with a nightgown...so once upon a time.. there was a girl. this girl was me. anyway, for some reason it was very hot in our house one night after i had gotten out of the shower. sweating, while trying to dry off is NOT COOL. [literally] so i thought, tonight is as good a night as any to wear a nightgown. it's not really my ideal sleepwear, but i have accumulated several over the years and why not? i have about eight of them. i tried one, it didn't fit. tried another, didn't fit. and another, could get it on. over and over they all were too small or too tight. and the one that did fit was too short. i was hot, sweaty and i just broke down in tears. this whole gaining weight shit is kinda new to me and it SUCKS. big ones! i felt so fat and so ugly that i just broke down in tears. i eventually did pick myself up off the bathroom floor. [literally] i changed into a big tshirt [one of barry's] and calmed my ass down. well, a few days later i got a wonderful gift. i was given a huge bag full of some of beth's clothes. and among the clothes, there was a pink, peach and black silk nightgown, that fit perfectly. from beth. no one was around when i tried on nightgown after nightgown [barry wasn't home] feeling so down on myself for my weight. this tiny, small "coincidence" or whatever you want to call this type of thing made me cry happy tears. i know beth wouldn't want me crying over my weight of all things. oh, i could so use some of her sister-advice right now. i miss our talks. it really is the hardest thing to happen to me. especially since what happened afterwards was a punch to the gut and SHE is who i would've talked to about it all. i was left with this yearning for something i know i'll never get to experience again.

sorry if i'm depressing you. i'm just being raw. and honest. truthfully, some days are just harder than others. or is it some days are better than others? sometimes i find myself going through my old instagram posts just to look at the comments beth left on my pictures. she ALWAYS commented on my stuff. she was truly interested in MY LIFE. we got our urn with her ashes in it the other day...that was a hard day for the both of us. although barry and i did joke about "taking her with us" when we go on road trips or days trips in the el camino. while reading one of her instagram comments i realized we never got to take her for a ride in the el camino. and she wanted to go. she was so happy for me when i got it. is it weird that i still want to take her for a ride but with her ashes? that might be a bit morbid, but i can't help but think...no, i know, she wouldn't mind. she'd think it was funny. i know she would.
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we're in hot springs for memorial day. and best of all...the rest of OUR little FAMILY: blakelin, katie and bowen are coming down, too. i don't even think i've had the chance to even tell y'all about bowen. mine and barry's first grandson. eek! and he's seriously SO CUTE and SO SWEET. i cannot wait to see what his personality is going to be like.
isn't he cute? it's going to be a gooood weekend!!
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"the bees came the summer of '64. the summer i turned 14 and my whole life went spinnin off into a whole new orbit. lookin back on it, i wanna say they were sent to me. i wanna say they showed up like the angel gabriel appearing to the virgin mary. i know it's forward to compare my small life to hers but i have good reason to believe she wouldn't mind."
[the secret life of bees]