Friday, September 15, 2017

Sica Gets Real + Lighter Subjects

wow. what a week? am i right? man, y'all, i am tiiired. i've been dealing with so much drama stuff over the last two weeks. i am slacking in the get-stuff-done-around-the-house department. and my husband doesn't like it. like at all. i haven't done laundry in a week and a half...which if you know me, is UNHEARD OF, there's dishes piling up in the sink, our living room looks like the "box room" at the warehouse, [ya know, piper's lovin that] and each room [including the garage] just needs a good picking up. the only room that's not "messy," is my art room which just tells ya, yeah, i'm not doing any art right now. which really sucks! i miss pouring over my art on my days off, but now i just don't have time. or i'm too sleepy to do so. my muscles ache, and my brain is on overdrive. and it all sucks. i hate it. i like being in charge of our household but nowadays i'm just too tired to do anything when i get home from work. 
thankfully, though, i finally finished setting up our razorback booth. yay..sarcasm, sarcasm, sarcasm it's just not what i expected. so i'm giving it till the end of the year, and if it's not profitable during these next few months, i'm shutting that shit down. i need to quit saying yes to things i do not want to do. one of my faults, yes, i have them. i do know i do not want to talk about the razorback booth or my other old job today. i am at the salon today, and i got one word: hallelujah. there's just something relaxing and anxiety-free about working here. where as that other place...not so much.
  so..let's get to chatting. yes, i am still watching this show:
no, i have no new movies to suggest. or any old ones for that matter. i do know i do not have to work on saturday or sunday and i'm sooo appreciative, i need to rest up. or i will explode. and hopefully i can get caught up on my chores. can y'all believe it's almost fall? i hate it. the next few months are going to be fun months, but i just hate the weather that comes with it. i've already seen people wearing their fall-like clothes [cardigans and hats] and it's so funny to me because it's not quite time for all that yet, people. don't rush it. i'm just sad i can't get watermelon anymore...
**
now, moving on...let me get into some more important points for today's post. i want to be real with you readers. since being more real and acting more like myself, and not just acting like everything is rainbows and butterflies, my page views have gone up exponentially. no shit. people want to read about real people, and real problems. if you don't like it, i totally understand, not everyone wants people to be real. but i'm not a fake person. i physically cannot pretend that things are rainbows and butterflies all the time. because NO ONE IS PERFECT. but you don't have to read it. there's a red x-button at the top right-side of the screen. click it now. i am going to be talking about true things that bother me. real things that get to me. because as i said, i am not perfect [no one is] nor do i want to be. i like myself. i like that i'm real, instead of one of the many, many fake people in this world. it's called honesty. this is an honest blog. i do not "sugarcoat" anything. and i'm so happy i don't. it makes me, me. and i like me. don't bring me down, because of it. so yes, my next topics are a little controversial. but i'm not talking about any one person in particular. i'm talking about things i have discovered so far this year. october of last year was a very difficult month for me. something happened to me that literally tore me apart. so from now on, i've tried to be wary of anyone i know or meet. but even i fall back into old habits. i wanna give people the benefit of the doubt, but once again i learned that if my best friend betrayed me who's to stop anyone else from doing the same.

so, here we go....SICA GETS REAL:
i trust too easily. and now, over the last year, i've realized that keeping myself wary of everyone i meet and even everyone i know is the only thing that will keep me sane. it will hold me back [even if just a little bit] from completely flipping out on the next person who decides to use, betray or blame me. i've learned that i cannot even trust those closest to me because even those closest to us will take the opportunity to throw us under the bus as soon as they feel pressured. [what happened to loyalty?] it's the sad truth of what our world has come to. i've always heard the saying, "trust no one," and i never liked it, but now i understand it. we all have to be careful of who we decide to trust, cause remember, even the devil was once an angel. and you cannot trust anyone in today's world. most everyone is out to better themselves. me? i just want to make it through the day without being blamed for some else's problems. but, i can't control the behavior of others nor do i want to. i am not going to burden myself with untrustworthy people in my life anymore. i refuse to hear lies about me, be mistreated or disrespected. i've always appreciated this saying: "trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. betrayal of any one of those is to lose all three." i think now, after all the ups and downs i've been through, all my hard work, and even the life i have endured, i'm allowed to terminate having relationships with toxic people. i'm allowed to walk away from people who have hurt me and feel no remorse. i'm allowed to be angry, selfish and unforgiving. i don't owe anyone a damned thing for taking care of myself...and the one person i truly love, who's always in my corner no matter the circumstances. the one who will never betray me, even if it helps him gain something in return. i know he won't, wish i could say the same for everyone else i love. [hashtag sad truth]

told ya i be getting serious. but it feels good to get it out of my system. and if you are going through a similar problem...now you know, you're no longer alone.
NEXT!
let's talk about journalism. or journaling. or in this case bible journaling. I LOVE THIS IDEA! and would really like to try this fun new way of bible study. i mean, i learned a long time ago to never keep a journal that you don't want read. because, believe me, one of the people you "trust" the most will be the one to read it. so i stopped journaling, not because i wanted to, but, because i had to in order to keep my [private] thoughts, actions and wants from people who pry when they know they shouldn't. prying your way into someone else's thoughts is presumptuous and insolent. no, this blog does not even compare to what i would write in a journal. a journal is PRIVATE, where as a blog is PUBLIC. but a bible journal would totally be a different experience for me, and let's be honest, it just looks fun! what do you think of bible journaling? do you have one?
*****
so, this week was ROUGH. hardest week i've had in awhile. maybe all year. so bad, that even reading couldn't distract me from the constant, terrible thoughts that were running through my mind.
truest statement ever. i've never had anyone complain to me about, "wearing my heart on my sleeve," but i sure did this week. and like, what was i supposed to say that? apologize for being a human being? like, a normal human being? shit didn't make sense to me. but whatever. some people just don't bother to get to really know someone before passing judgement. not my problem, anymore. and i'm so happy with that. but...it brought my reading to a standstill most nights this week. i couldn't stop thinking about the fact that someone complained about me being...well..human. stupid shit. but yesterday things changed when i finally put an end to it. and y'all, i could breathe again! i felt so much lighter not having that kind of negativity enrapturing me. and i was able to finally finish book 71 that i should've finished earlier this week.
it was SO GOODrichelle mead is on point. she really knows how to write a good action book. i wish she had the third book written in this trilogy already, but i'll probably be waiting a couple of months till that happens. so i started a new series, with multiple books already written.
yes, another richelle mead book. and another fantasy novel for sure. it is very different. dealing with angels, demons, and vampires. yes, two whole different factions then any of her other books. she is not afraid to reach out and really bring in the readers.
*****
okay. on to something more exciting. exciting for me, anyway. i got my cousin/best friend's address so i can finally write to her! y'all, i miss her so much! i miss her advice, her laugh, her listening ear, her support, our jokes, our constant movie quotes, working alongside her, and most importantly, her friendship. our family is so quick to put her down, when in reality they don't know her like i know her. she was the first family member to know about and accept barry. she's given me guidance through lots of steps in my life, even though she is younger than me. and i miss her. a lot. i feel depressed without her in my life. i feel lost without her. like something is missing from my life, because it is! she was the person i could run to when i felt the pressures of family, and i was the same for her. we were a team. a good team, no a GREAT team! i would give anything to go back to cleaning disgusting rent houses with her everyday. i would make that my full time job if i could [although i doubt i'll ever give up my salon job] sometimes when i think how lonely i am without her friendship, it just breaks me. but then, i have to remember to be the strong one. because, i'm outside in the world where i can be stronger. it hurts that i can't talk/text her everyday like i used to. i didn't realize how much a huge chunk of my life was taken when she had to go away; until i ran into her mom and was able to share my real, true feelings about the predicament she's gotten herself into. i love her to the moon and back! she was my life preserver for so, so many years that sometimes i feel like i'm drowning. i've lost a piece of myself. everyone [accept barry, of course] puts her down and has just thrown her away like a statistic, but i can't do that! it's hard when most of our loved ones have already thrown her away. i refuse to do that. it's time for me to step up and be her advocate. and i am so happy that i will have some form of contact with her, even if it's just through a piece of paper.
*****
okay, so i'm sure a some of you faithful readers out there are wondering why the sudden f-bombs and more casual cussing? well, why hold back? yes, i cuss. occasionally. not around my grandparents or other particular family members. [nieces and nephews] or while at work. or around other 'parties' who don't like cussing and, "hate when people say the f-word." [my bunko group] to me? they're all just words. words are my life. words are powerful. i secretly want one of those 'word of the day' desk calendars. and cussing is literally apart of the human dictionary. yes! they're in there. and who's the person that got to choose which words are "bad" and which are not? just because he thought it was a "bad word" doesn't mean i have to. what did that word do to him? for me, cussing emphasizes how i want to say something.
and most cuss words can be used in any shape or form. one sole word can be used in all sorts of different definitions. gosh, i could state all kinds of different ways to use just one "bad" word, but let's just say, this blog has gone pg-13. and even those films are allowed one f-word. it's kinda fun listening for that one allotted word in the pg-13 movies that decide to use it. and seeing which actor [and how they use it] gets to say the infamous cuss word.
*****
last thing, then i'm done with today's post. so. i saw this photo on instagram one day:
and my eyes bugged out at those GORGEOUS, too, too CUTE cherry earrings. like, i NEEEED! so i went on amazon and searched cherry earrings in the search bar and found them. i may also need these, too. they actually have several different kinds. but anyways, i got them in the mail yesterday, so naturally, i am wearing them today. pictures, of course, don't even do them justice.
another advantage of having long hair: dangling earrings look better.
***
annnnd, that is all i have the energy for today. thankfully, i do not have to work at ALL this weekend! that means, i can finally tackle my messy house and thankfully, do some major laundry. plus i getta SLEEP IN! especially since barry is working on a job that involves an overnight stay. him and blakelin are going to des arc to clean out a duck club and then deliver the 'move out items' to the owner who lives up in fayetteville. i'm gonna miss him being gone for tonight and all day tomorrow but i am going to sleep so, so good. PLUS i'll be able to get a ton more done around the house. either way, it WILL be a good weekend. a much needed break from the drama that this week has been filled with. now, i just gotta get through the next 3 hours of work and then i can relax till tuesday when it's time to come back to work. wouldn't have it any other way.
"that "poor guy" tried to sell me a dozen lobsters, said they were fresh out of the ocean. i cut into them, they're frozen, rotten. could have killed me and my whole family. i was just trying to earn a little cash. i don't know where he's at, but if you find him, you can tell him for me, i'm not going to pay for those fucking lobsters."
[the family]

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