Friday, August 12, 2016

The Big News

man, i don't really even know where to start with this post but i guess what i am trying to say is...

i quit my job!!
i'm free!

woooo that felt very good to get out into the blogger universe. 
the last few months, starting in may mostly, have been some of the hardest months, mentally, that i have ever had to endure. some crazy shit has just been happening to me: panic attacks, vertigo, i've lost lots of weight, extreme anger spells, not being able to drive due to extreme panicking, just anxiety through the roof, much so that my doctor took me off work for 2 weeks. stressed-induced panic attacks ain't no joke, y'all. and the hardest part is that very few people understood. 
"just get over it" -- i promise, people, if it were that easy I WOULD! but it clucking ain't. it's hard, and if i didn't hold on to the faith that God would get me through it i think i would be in the hospital right now. and not the regular hospital either....SOOOOO since my job environment is the main reason i am having these stressed-induced panic attacks...i gave my boss, also know as my dad, my 2 weeks notice. it was a bomb-ass resignation letter, too. and i was SO worried, TOO worried, but...i'm 28 years old and i love my life except when i am stuck at my mentally exhausting job. what does that tell you? it tells me, it's time for me to not be stuck at my mentally exhausting job. SO I QUIT. my last day was june 29th. and it was literally the second best decision i have ever made in my life. 
i told myself i would never be one of those folks who stayed at a job just because it paid good and that's exactly what i was doing. it was just not fun anymore. i was stressed out all the time. i was not at all fulfilled with my work. plus there were a few people who just made me feel like shit. like no matter what i did i was just not good enough. i knew it was time for me to make a decision when i started crying every morning because i had to go to work. i just felt this pull towards something better. i knew i just needed to have faith in God because after i gave in my two weeks notice i immediately felt this incredible weight lift off my shoulders. i felt free. 
so here i was i quit my corporate, great benefits job; so now what am i supposed to do? i don't plan to abuse the, or shall i saw use the "disability" excuse to draw a check each month and lay around on my ass all day. my anxiety is SO BAD that i could actually do that. but i ain't afraid of no ghost hard work and i don't want to be a welfare queen! my momma and daddy raised me better than that. and i didn't plan on just deucing out forever. my doctor suggested i ask my boss dad for some part time work. so i negotiated that i would still clean the rental properties mainly houses and be the "jenkins sales' rep" for the razorback stores. that's two different part time jobs right there. but i make my own schedule. i can't let them pull me back in. i want to still help when i can but it has to be on my terms because since i haven't been working there i haven't had anymore stress-induced vertigo and i can drive again. there was one day last week i tried to show one of the new ladies they hired how to do something and she got very snippy because apparently that's not how she's done things in the past. i wanted to get snippy right back but i just stopped and thought i'm not getting paid for this, i don't have to continue to endure this person who asked FOR MY HELP. and it felt so good to just be able to leave, no obligation to stay, no getting into "trouble" for leaving. i'm finally free from all that. 
one of the biggest reasons i wanted to quit is because i just felt i was wasting my talent. i am a very creative person, and i felt like that was being squashed by...math. my worst enemy. it's time to quit wasting my talent: very few people know this about me but i used to be a painter. then a few college painting classes pretty much ruined my dreams of doing anything artsy for a career. plus there's no way i could have been a "starving artist" because then i would i have had to live with my parents and no that just ain't happening again. [until they get older and have to come live with ME] BUT NOW, since i have such a wonderful caring boyfriend who lives with me [oops cat's out of the shame. it is the 21st century] and helps take care of things i knew i would be able to be the artist and craftsman i've always wanted to be, and ooh, y'all i plan to do just that. i am working on my inventory now for a booth i will one day hopefully be able to set up at the painted tree. i am pretty excited and really hope to have a booth before the end of this year. blessing from God came. i knew he was looking out for me.  
the above three jobs are good but i needed something that was more consistent and let me tell you, i was worried that august would roll around and i'd be struggling to find a good part time job. i haven't looked for a job in ohhh 8 years and i was having panic attacks anytime i had to drive myself somewhere. so needless to say, i was worried. but i just kept praying that God would get me through this. i felt him leading me somewhere else which is why i felt so strongly about quitting my big-girl job. well on july 12th the day after i quit my job, i called a family member to see if maybe they would need extra help with their own business, but didn't really get a solid answer and was a little disappointed and a bit down on myself when i got off the phone. i will admit, i was feeling very discouraged. i knew God had something in store though..and he did. not even 30 minutes after the phone call i received this text from my sissy:
i'm telling you, if you just have faith in God he will answer your prayers. this is exactly what i needed and wanted. i cried, but for the first time in months my tears were tears of joy, not sadness. i immediately accepted the job. i knew this was what God was wanting me to pursue. so this was my response:
sounds like the perfect job to me. i love doing laundry, and love reading so to get paid to do those things is a-okay with me. my first day working here at the salon [this is where i'm working on this blog post right now] was this tuesday the 9th and let me just say I LOVE IT!! it's such a fun environment, all the people who work up here are so down to earth and chill. and the best part of all...i'm appreciated. that feels so damn good. it's exactly what i needed and i am so so thankful that my sissy reached out to me and gave me the opportunity to prove to her, everyone who works here, and to myself that i am good enough. yesterday was my first day to work a full 8 hours and it was just such a great day that i know for certain i made the right/best decision for me. 
this first week of doing my own thing has been absolutely amazing. so this is what life without stress feels like. just awesome. i was scheduled a lot at the salon this week since the other receptionist is on vacay but i was still able to work at the salon, clean 2 rental properties, and work on a few crafts--being able to make my own schedule to work around my gig at the salon is one of the things i like most. i guess i felt trapped working the 9 to 5 thing everyday. like i keep saying, it just feels so incredibly good to be free

God is good.
all of the time.
you just have to have faith. 
now that i actually have time to blog maybe i'll actually blog more. i do want to keep my space up to date for myself and for the 3 of you who read this thing. i just know that i have some really exciting things ahead of me. i feel like a bird who has escaped from a cage. now my life can really start. now that i'm free as a bird. 

"well, mr. chacon, on behalf of the united states of america i'd like to welcome you to our country. grab a seat. i'm sorry you won't get to experience the freedom part."
[we're the millers]

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