Wednesday, August 20, 2014

God's Wild Thing

wow. these last two weeks of my life have been well..i don't even know a word to describe it. it hasn't been miserable just a little awful. it's just been not right. i feel as if God has been speaking to me over the last few weeks. he has been trying to tell me something, and i haven't been listening. this year has been very rough for me. i have struggled with anxiety more this year than any other year before it. i've lost my confidence in myself and my self-esteem has dropped majorly. i was getting to the point where i didn't even want to get out of bed in the mornings because i just didn't want to do my life. i was constantly beating myself up for being single at 26, not making as much money as my friends, gaining 9 pounds, not having a group of girlfriends, not being invited places, staying at home by myself every weekend; and the list just goes on and on. then to top it all off someone i trusted betrayed me. purely utterly betrayed me
i was starting to just fall apart. i felt like i was a rag-doll coming apart at the seams, my stuffing was coming out and there would be no way to repair me. 
but there was. Him. God has been right here the whole time and my anger got in the way of seeing him, feeling him, letting him comfort me. i see quotes and verses throughout my day all the time. sometimes i see them and automatically can relate, but then just forget about them later. over the last few days i have come across and seen way more verses instead of just quotes. so when i saw one that made me feel better in the situation i was dealing with at the time, i screen shot it and put it in an album on my phone. well that album started to fill up and yesterday i am sitting in my back yard trying to process all the messed up things that have been happening to me, when i open my phone and go to that album.
every single one of them had the same theme. {isaiah 46:4}

here they all are: 
[some of them still are quotes, but they connect]



[proverbs 31:25]

[c.s. lewis]


this small message has popped up on in my life numerous times over the last week. "the more you focus on my presence with you, the more fully you can enjoy life."
this week has taught me that i need to live in child-like delight. to fill each day with splendor. the more i focus on him the more i will enjoy life. the more i rely on him, the happier i will be. i'll forget all about the silly little things that don't even matter. [like gaining weight, and not getting invited places] i am not alone. he is with me, and boy, does he have something big planned for me. i can just feel it. i have finally realized that it's not my plan, it's God's plan. i am doing all of this for him.
he wants me to focus on 3 things, and 3 things only.
1. Him
2. my family
3. my [his] work
and that's exactly what i am going to do. from this day forward, those three things is all i plan to focus on. because those three things are what makes me the happiest. he gave me my family, and he gave me my job and one day he'll give me other things, but till then all i'm doing is living with child-like splendor and delight; being grateful and blessed with just those three things. that's all i need.
and to the one who betrayed me, who took my trust and shattered it, i just pray that you will find what you're looking for. you thought i was the one who could save you, but only God can do that. i'm sorry, you ruined your life trying to hurt me. revenge is a nasty evil thing, and i hope you can get away from your demons, and find peace. find God. and i forgive you because i'm not going to let revenge and anger control my life. my life is now in God's hands, and that's exactly where it will stay. safely.
and also this:
i have finally found peace.

"it's a mistake you always made--trying to love a wild thing. you mustn't give your heart to a wild thing. the more you do, the stronger they get until they're strong enough to run into the woods, or fly into a tree, and then to a higher tree, and then to the sky."
[breakfast at tiffany's]
my most favorite movie quote of ALL time. i am a wild thing. his wild thing. 

2 comments:

  1. Oh honey, I can totally understand you with most of this... The anxiety, the being single, the pain and struggle of it all. *hugs*

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  2. Sica, I just texted you friend. hugs and love! xxoo

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