Friday, May 20, 2011

give me my greencard

Sometimes I really think people are messing with me. I've caught myself from time to time looking around for the hidden cameras or Ashton Kutcher. Like, is this conversation really happening to me?

Let me explain. Things happen to me. God really does have a sense of humor. I Imagine him to be quite the practically joker especially in my life.

I've learned, recently, to laugh about my misfortunes and my crunchiness. Nothing is going to change. I am always going to be that awkward, clumsy girl who attracts small talk and sticky situations.

Small talk. I am very good at small talk. I can ask a million questions and keep a conversation going for hours. As good as I am at this I absolutely hate it.
Yes, I'm the one that can make that 2 hour car drive with a friend & her mom seem like a bus trip with a tour guide.
I talk. I'm good at it. But I don't like it. I wish someone else would take the reins for once. Of course I have given myself the reputation as the "ice breaker" but damn the only reason is because I hate awkward silence! It's eerie. People just sitting around looking at each other is about as much fun as buying a box of tampons from a male cashier. It's awkward. And if I have to talk the entire time to keep that from happening, then so be it.

Obviously I am a good talker except for my incorrect pronunciation of the words "breakfast" "curtains" "romantic" and "cracker barrel" but other than that, I got this!

Not only can I keep my small talk going with people I know; I can also lay it on strangers. That's my specialty. No, I'm not one of "those people" who talks to random strangers on a plane, waiting room, or check out line. No, I am usually the victim that "those people" like to prey on. It sucks. It's made me late, made me awkward, and mostly has made me lie. It's just so easy. I mean why are "those people" telling me about their broken washing machine, the color they're going to paint their bathroom, the fiasco at their cousin's funeral, the stain in their living room carpet, their little mishap with a champagne bottle and a knife, or the fact that their husband wants to go on a scuba adventure during christmas. Sometimes I think I have, "tell me your life story" tattooed on my forehead and everyone can see it but me.

I give "those people" the best small talk ever, even though half of it is one giant lie, but i can't help myself. It's so easy.

The other day I had a 30 minute conversation with a lady about her washing machine. Her machine was broke and leaking oil, which I later found out, is not good. She told me she just wanted something simple that worked. She said, "Everything is so fancy these days. You can't buy anything without technology messing it up." She went on and on about how technology will be the death of us all. I, also not being technological savvy, loved getting to put my two senses in. I told her that I got my washing/dryer for $60 at a garage sale 4 years ago. I told her each machine only has one knob and it has to be at least 20 years old but I haven't had any problems. But really I got it from my parents for free, they both have 3 knobs each, and I'm pretty sure it's less than 20 years old. That's when she went on her rant about how "they don't make things like they used to" and told me that "us young kids don't know how good we have it." In order to defend my honor, I told her I don't even own a computer, although my laptop is somewhere on my bedroom floor and my iPhone was in my back pocket. I have to defend myself! I had to prove to this lady that I wasn't a statistic! After splitting ways I wished Martha luck on her washing machine. I was pretty sure I convinced her I was a sweet girl stuck in the wrong time zone and she probably talked about me with her bridge club.

Another instance occurred at Target. I was in search of a rug for my hall bathroom to cover up the awful stained tile floor. I was approached by a small petite woman who was holding a green towel and a green rug. "What do you think of these?" I seriously looked around to see who she was talking to because there was no way this woman was nonchalantly talking to me. She had no problem repeating her question and asked if I think they matched? She was looking me dead in the eye so I answered; "sure" and then I looked for Ashton. No sign of him. She continued to talk about matching the green rug and towel with her master bathroom. Yes, she had a paint swatch and we carefully looked at all greens and decided they did not match. I soon forgot about my tiny hall bath and listened to her chat about her immaculate master bathroom re-model. She was removing their tub and making a much larger shower, with 3 shower heads, and mosaic tile. I was green with envy, pun intended. We ended up looking for a good 15 minutes and she told me her life story. I didn't really get a chance to put my two senses in because I was still baffled she was talking to me like we were bgfs. We eventually parted ways, I was proud that the rug & towel I picked out were the ones she bought. I imagine her telling her children about the beautiful young lady that helped her design her master bathroom.

Even though this woman talked the entire time she didn't belittle me like some of "those people" will do. The ones who only want to talk just to hear their own voice. Like, they know everything about you and are trying to prove that they're better. Annoying. I really just want to say, "I don't know you and you don't know me, so what's it matter? I'm never gunna see you again?" But every good small talker knows being rude is never the solution. So I just listen, nod a lot, & never stop smiling. Luckily I don't run into "those people" often.

Mainly it's older women who approach me. This week I have been working at gameday so just imagine all the small talk I've gotten myself into. On Tuesday, I had an older lady come in who was a hardcore razorback fan. For some reason, people think if you're managing a razorback store, you're a diehard hog fan. If you know me, I am not. So when the hardcore fans come in, I have no idea how to respond. Back to Tuesday, this lady went on and on about the hogs. She told me her bff was an lsu fan. I think she was thinking that would stun me, but I was not phased. She didn't buy very much just talked about the hogs baseball team, like they were the red sox. Oh but she did come back yesterday, with her lsu bff. The lsu fan was clearly from the north, and if you know me at all, you know I don't like northerners. They seem rude. And it's not like they're trying to be rude, it's just their nature.

we have these awesome razorback rugs:

We have others but they both thought this one was "adorable" yes, that's the exact adjective they used. Whatever. Lady Tuesday ended up getting all kinds of other goodies but she just could not decide if she wanted the rug. While, her friend was "looking around" and rudely commenting on things under her breath, like I couldn't hear, the Tuesday lady told me all about the huge stain she has on her living room carpet. I proceeded to tell her she should think about getting a steam cleane vacuum. I told her how they "work wonders" and would "no doubt get the stain out." I should be a commercial. Now to clarify, I've only used a steam cleaner vacuum once in my life and only just recently. Also when I was done, I'm pretty sure the carpet smelled like rose scented mildew, but hey I tried. I told her which one to get and you would think I sold them on the side. She eventually said she might get the rug to cover the spot. Then she proceeded to ask me a series of questions about this standard floor rug. The first question and I thought she was joking, was "can I set a chair on top?" Wtf. Where are the hidden cameras? Then she continued with "can I wash it at a car wash?" "Is it vacuum safe?" That one stumped me. I asked her to look and see what the tag reads.

I couldn't believe she was asking me these questions, I was glad the tag answered most of them. Unfortunately I had to reassure this woman that yes, it would be okay for her to put furniture on the rug. Then her friend asked me 4 different times if I had a ruler they could measure the rug with, and seeing as I left my ruler at home in my other purse, I couldn't help. I seriously forgot we sold razorback rulers and it wasn't until her friend stomped over, grabbed one, and said, "yeah, you guys do have rulers." My response was a nervous laugh of fear. This broad did not play. She then proceeded to ask me another 4 times how much the rug cost. My reply, "I'm sorry is it not on the rug?" She looked at me like I was a disgusting. Sheesh, I'm sorry that I don't know every single price, that's why it's marked! And who could remember such an odd price like, $33.99? I'm obviously still new at this. But I just smiled & nod. Lady Tuesday did not buy the rug. Her Oscar the Grouch bff talked her out of it, saying it was "too pricey." Lady Tuesday told me she was going to give the steam cleaner a shot. And Oscar told me I needed to get a better rug selection. We have 7 different styles now. Whatever. Lady Tuesday is welcome back anytime but her grouchy lsu bff can stay in the bayou.
I may not have talked her into buying that $35 rug but I might have talked her into buying a $100 vacuum, and in my eyes, that's an accomplishment.

Speaking of eyes, i had a man come in this week looking for a small tshirt for his grand daughter. He looked for a good minute and refused my offer to help. He then held up a XXL shirt and asked, is this a small? Is this guy messing with me? He then said he couldn't read the tag. Yep, he was serious! It took all I had to say 'no' and than actually hand him a small shirt. I figured he'd be pretty pissed if he had to come back 3 days later to exchange the large nightgown he thought was a small. And I felt pretty bad that he was giving her a $12 razorback tshirt in the first place, she might as well have the correct size.

I did make a new friend this week. Kathy. Little Ms. Kathy told me all about her love of razorback basketball. She also shared something quite interesting, Kathy has a pet parrot who is 20 years old. Kathy told me she got her pet parrot 20 years ago at Vets & Pets. Unfortunately, I can't remember the parrot's name but she said her parrot can call the hogs! Bizarre! He even uses his wings and includes the howling. She said he was trained to do that by The Vets. Kathy also told me that at the time The Vets' child had a lisp and so did the parrot when he would call the hogs. Kathy said, hopefully the child lost the lisp like her parrot eventually did.

How do I get myself into these messes?

"Come on guys, what are we going to do about the V-A-C-U-U-M?"
"Wait, vacuum has two u's in it? That's just not right."
[that 70s show]

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